A list of things you shouldn’t do if you’re trying to run for office…
This may be a long time overdue, but I feel like it could be a valid resource for politicians still in the running…
Herman Cain, you poor soul.
When those silly Republicans started making the list of folks who might get the chance to run for President, I was just as excited as the next person that we might get to see two black guys run against each other in the 2012 election (Well, a black guy and a half black guy). I found it hilarious that those same Republicans who hated Obama so much when he was running were now pulling for this new Republican black guy.
Herman’s campaign was quite comical. Each week, some kind of cliche’ mess up came out in the news and Herman acted like people were absolutely crazy for a) bringing it up and b) getting upset about it.
Look, dude. Although I think you probably would have sucked anyway at running this country, that is water under the bridge. But there are just some things you shouldn’t do in your life if you want to run for office.
A few years ago, I thought about pursing the candidacy route myself (starting with a state office and then going for a federal role later on down the line). I quickly remembered all of the things I did in college and immediately nixed the idea of running for office.
Here is a list of things that you probably shouldn’t do in your lifetime if you want to run a successful campaign:
1. Drink alcohol. While we all know that politicians, once elected are a buncha drunks, if you drink frequently, SOMEONE will start a smear campaign calling you a drunk/alcoholic. It’s inevitable.
2. Have premarital/casual sex. This could go two ways. If you are a man, it is very likely that one of the women you slept with casually in your lifetime will be pissed off that it’s stopped – especially if she sees that you may eventually be the president of the United States. Enter assault/rape/abuse/STD claims here. If you are a woman, even if you only sleep with one person out of wedlock, that probably means you are a moral-less whore with no soul and you should be burned at the stake.
3. Get married. Even if your relationship is as pure as the driven snow, some psycho girl/boyfriend from the past will come out of the woodwork to burn you.
4. Have children. The prime example of why you shouldn’t have children if you plan on running for office: Sarah Palin. She has a mentally handicapped (or whatever the PC term is) daughter and a daughter who got knocked up. Children=PR disasters.
5. Experiment with illegal drugs. George W. Bush has probably received the most recent scrutiny for this. From his alleged felonious cocaine usage to smoking a ton of weed in college, this guy is lucky he came from generations of political figures who knew how to cover up life’s little inkblots.
6. Say anything stupid that could be taken out of context and make you look like an idiot. Exhibit A:
7. Be sarcastic about anything. Here’s the thing – people don’t like their politicians to be witty. And unfortunately, sarcasm is only viewed as an art by a small percentage of (intelligent) people.
8. Believe that anyone else, besides the Lord Jesus Christ, is our savior. Americans love their Jesus. And if you don’t, well sorry, you can’t be the President.
9. Enjoy anything that normal human beings do. Like playing games of pickup basketball, going out to dinner or going to the movies? Don’t you realize that our country is at war? Shouldn’t you be figuring out how to get rid of this trillion dollar deficit? HOW DARE YOU HAVE QUALITY OF LIFE!!!
10. Make any kind of mistake. Those typos will getcha. But honestly, we just don’t want some moron running our country. If you can’t be perfect, how is our country going to be perfect?
If you haven’t figured out that each of those items on the list are sarcastic and meant to be extremely unrealistic, then I have failed you as the writer. Honestly, it puts me at ease to see that George Bush got a DUI and can still become the President of these United States. Or that John Edwards had an extramarital affair and now has a child as a result. That means that somehow, these people were real at some point. Herman Cain is lucky that he got his balls busted this early in the running because now the government and the crazy mob of a country that we have become won’t get the best of him and turn him into a talking head/robot. Thank goodness I never pursued running for office. I am happy with who I am, mistakes and all, and find myself to be more relatable this way.
Mistakes make you real – everyone makes them. And our politicians should have to waste so much time coming up with ways to cover up their mistakes. Stop being so vicious, America, and let these people do their silly little jobs.
theshutuplist 
Brilliant!