Taylor Swift – Close your mouth…literally

Posted by Kate O'Brennan on December 8, 2011 · 4 Comments 

I’ve never been a fan of Taylor Swift.

Sorry, I guess I missed that ‘I want to hear some hormonal teenager talk about how awkward being a teenager is when I haven’t been a teenager for 6 years’ bus. Listen, bitch – been there, done that. But I didn’t need to make three chart-topping albums to drive that point home.

When Kanye West took the microphone from Taylor during the 2009 MTV VMA’s, the entertainment world and popular media nearly imploded. From Beyonce’s gasp and follow-up speech, to several (thousand) interviews with Taylor asking her how she felt, I found myself losing more and more hope for humanity as the days went on. Called ‘The mic-grab heard round the world’ by those idiots at ABC News, these catty women actually wasted the time of daytime television to interview Taylor about how she felt. Taylor was quoted saying, “Kanye did call me and he was very sincere in his apology, and I accepted that apology.”

Wow! Great! Celebrities do know playground rules! I am pretty sure I, like most of you, experienced many facilitated apologies growing up:

Kid #1: Sorry, Kate. I didn’t mean to tear the head off of your Barbie doll violently after cutting all of her hair off.
Kate: Oh that’s okay. I accept your apology.

Kid #2: Hey Kate. I’m really sorry for spreading that rumor about you being a lesbian. I know you like boys, you just don’t dress very well.
Kate: That’s okay, buddy. I accept your apology.

Kid #3: Kate – I’m really sorry that I poured milk in your hair at lunch today. I really thought we were starting a food fight.
Kate: Oh no problem! I accept your apology.  

Give me an effing break. While I mistakenly thought that Kanye had accomplished the unthinkable (shutting Taylor up), we then had to listen to the media drone on with an ‘OH NO HE DIDN’T’ tone for WEEKS.

Mind you, this happened over two years ago. Since then, this idiot has dated GYH (gorgeous young hotties) such as John Mayer, Lucas Till, Taylor Lautner and my personal favorite, Jake Gyllenhaal. Not only did she get to hook up with all of these GYH’s (before marriage, mind you), she managed to screw up, break up with them and write platinum singles about them. Barf. I would sell off one of my lungs to even get the chance to be in the same room as Jake or John, let alone make out with them. Is this girl not the dumbest girl in the entire world?

Not only has Taylor fooled enough morons across the world to actually sell albums, she has somehow managed to win a shit-ton of awards. Below, I have compiled images of Taylor Swift’s ‘O’ face, aka her award-winning face. I’m not quite sure who told her it was cute to stand at the microphone with her mouth agape, but that person should be stoned to death in the middle of a large city.

To end my rant about Taylor, I will leave you with her own words – “I don’t even have, like, kind of a boyfriend. I don’t have someone that I’m texting that is a guy that someday might be my boyfriend. There’s like nothing going on right now.”

Holy shit…

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